You have IBS? Oh thats too awkward...

I love Noah Gundersen.

NerdStatus

Ok so like you always hear about kids who love school and think its so magical, and I don’t really think it’s all that magical, but I guess going on break and changing your routine makes you think about what you like. I really like my coworkers, and I really like my friends, and I really like going to school, an I maybe don’t love sitting at home with my super intense family. Also I really love all of the people who went away for Christmas break, so that’s awesome how I’m alone.

one more thing that made me angry

“Hannah did those chicken wings give you IBS, they gave me IBS.”

-Dad

….i dont even know how to express the multitude of wrongness within that statement.

ITS CHRISTMAS

Some big things have taken place recently.

1. I GOT 2 KITTENS. i like them a lot and they are my best friends. Christopher Plummer and Nicholas Cage (no im not under the impression that Nicholas Cage is a quality actor…) they are tiny and black and white and adorable, and they like to climb my Christmas Tree!!

2. I GOT ACCEPTED TO COLORADO COLLEGE, i applied early decision and I’m living the dream at the moment. I almost died, I was so thrilled.

3. ITS CHRISTMAS! YAY. i got lots of nice things from my nice family.

4. I’ve been doing lots of hopeful curing yoga, but I’m not really feeling a difference, but whatever maybe I’ll get sexy in the process. not that im not already a pretty serious babe.

5. I went back to the fucking doctor. The bitch (she isn’t actually a bitch, I just need someone to blame for my life.) generally has patients with like colon cancer, so pretty much anybody who comes into her practice is hoping for IBS, because it means nothing more serious is wrong, but that results in her trivializing the shit out of a lifechanging diagnosis.

“IBS is livable, if a little uncomfortable.”

I WILL END YOU UMA PISHARODY….ITS NOT LIVEABLE. I HAVE TO WATCH MY FRIENDS PARTY AND DRINK, BUT I CANT BECAUSE MY INTESTINES CANT HANDLE IT. I GET TO WATCH OTHER PEOPLE SLIDE THROUGH SCHOOL WITHOUT A WORRY, BUT EVEN LITTLE TINY PRESENTATIONS MAKE ME SHIT MYSELF. MY COLLEGE ACCEPTANCE HAS THE OPPOSITE OF A SILVER LINING (BLACK LINING?) BECAUSE I CAN ONLY IMMAGINE A FUTURE OF RUNNING THROUGH DORM HALLS SHITTING MYSELF. YES MY HEART IS STILL BEATING, BUT MY HAIR IS FALLING OUT AND IM ANGRY ALL THE TIME.

she should revise her definition of livable.

not fair. not fair at all.

I Got a Speeding Ticket.

On my way home from work, I was having a particularly poop in my pants type of day. I was speeding home because, I was not interested in pooping on myself.  A police officer pulled me over. I am seventeen, I would have shit myself regardless of my IBS. Anyway, I’m sitting here just listening to this man go on and on and ONNN about how i really shouldn’t be speeding, and I couldn’t even respond, because i was in such an extreme situation, FINALLY he let me go (not let me go let me go, i had a 154 dollar ticket) and my car is clean! Success? I think….DEFINITELY NOT.

Two households both alike in dignity:

I spent my thanksgiving weekend in a lavish 16 million dollar beach home in La Jolla, CA (302 vista de la playa, look it up it was truly outrageous). Ordinarily we would have enjoyed the time with our tight knit closer family in our comfortable Washington home, but we made the trip in order to fraternize with my large, distant, and wildly successful paternal extended family. The only family who actually reside in California are my married gay uncles.
Five years ago my uncle donated his sperm to his close friends, a lesbian couple. They had planned that my uncle would be no more involved in her life than an ordinary family friend, and he has no legal parental rights. The plan was foiled however, when his beautiful daughter was born bearing shocking resemblance to her biological father. She lives with her moms but is very much an integral part of two households. Her father has already bought her diamonds and pearls, and she adores him. Although they plan to tell her that he is her biological father, he wasn’t intended to be this type of figure in her life. My brother the cynic is concerned that she is a social experiment, growing up in two very unique households, with the potential for explosive family friction, and while this could be true, I am much more optimistic. With two psychologist mothers and four very loving and well educated parents, she will grow up in a nurturing and supportive environment, if a little edgy. She will become an informed and accepting citizen of the world, to a degree that I can’t even fathom.
Just because biologically children are often forced into a conventional two parent mixed gender home, doesn’t mean that socially or psychologically, other options aren’t equally or even more viable. I, as a result of failed birth control, can’t imagine feeling anything but special knowing the intent that was put into my conception, development, and upbringing. As a need for the growth of the human race decreases, I hope for an increase in same sex households and openness regarding new wave relationships. It is time to let go of an image of the conventional family as the need for that family is eliminated.

Bleckk

Little did I know (though I should have inferred) airplanes=ibs attack. What a shitty experience. Haha literally! Look my loss of fluids and nutrients is affecting my sanity regarding jokes.
Immediately post airplane I got to see my sister yaaayy! (not yay…boo. Quick background on da sista, kinda bitchy, super fashionable and smart, my parents revere her, loves to be judgmental, especially to family…generally she aims to make me poop my pants or cut myself.) first interaction with her, and no I’m not kidding, she looked me up and down and gave me a look just like a horrendous popular girl out of a movie. Also my brother didn’t even say hello to me until like two hours after he saw me.
Don’t worry about it siblings, maybe I haven’t seen you in 3 months and you live across the country, but I actually didn’t miss you at all, so you shouldn’t feel pressured to be nice, even a little.
So now I’m laying in a bed in a mansion and my intestines are on fire.
The end.

Kittens!!!

My mommy agreed that we can get a kitten! I’m going to name him Christopher Plummer and he will make me happy and calm and also he will give me intestinal massages and heat up my insides just like a hot pad would. Kitten=cure to IBS? I think so.

Planes?

Tomorrow will be my first major plane ride with my new friends IBS and CVS. I’m trying super hard not to get stressed out about it, but even just writing this post is making silly noises happen inside of my tum tum (nervous me talks like a two year old) also my brother and sister shall be present, aka an anxiety attack waiting to happen. I hope the flight attendants have lots if cleaning supplies prepared.
Just kidding I rarely poop myself.